


The nanny

by Aititeal



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossdressing, Domestic, M/M, OOCness, Past Character Death, References to Depression, Sillyness, Sitcom, Slow Burn, bat-retirement, slight mature content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-16 14:39:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15439269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aititeal/pseuds/Aititeal
Summary: You shall adress him as Miss Jane from now on, he will assist you in your every day life as your nanny. He’ll be paid 6$ an hour, one day off a week. During that time he’ll be able to stay inside the house as the Joker or go out as Miss Jane. He’ll behave. If he knows what’s good for him.-Oh kids what a blast !





	1. A joking nanny

-Come in please, we’ve been expecting you 

-Oh you have ?  
two of the most infinite legs Alfred have ever seen made their way through the door, her hair was the puffiest, her smile the widest. Red and bright, gleaming under the chandelier’s light (as the stilettos she was wearing). Her skin was fair and showing in the most outragous way through the little tiny skirt she was wearing.  
Alfred could see she’s made a vain attempt to look smart and proper because of her all black outfit. Except from the faux leppard fur collar that gives her away.

-You are here for the nanny position ? he asked anyway.  
Better not to be judgy. Contrary to Gotham the New York ladies wear far more revealing clothes, they where fashionably feminine and sexy in a way that no gothamite woman could be in a city that rains most of the time.

-Well I could be, she exclaimed in a deafening nasal voice, wow ! What a nice cosy and Ô so very domestic mansion you have here. Must feel crampted in here since the Wayne manor amirite ?

-It’s alright madam. New life new opportunities. I’ll fetch Master Wayne if you please. 

Alfred hurried to Bruce’s home office in a stiff walking.  
As he oppened the door he heard Nygma’s constant babbling. He tried to quickly composed himself while entering the room. God he couldn’t stand this insufferable, smug rascal. All neat and innocent since he’s been working alongside Bruce as an associate. All the previous schemes and mischiefs forgiven and all’s well that ends well.

Since batman’s decision to resign some villains lost interest in fighting and challenging authorities. The wayne fondation helped the repentents by providing optimal health care and rehabilitation programme to those who asked. Batman revealed his true indentity to them as an act of trust. They walked the line, so it seems. Yet alfred would always be on the lookout regarding Nygma. The man was too smart for his own good. Too easily bored to be fooled by mere detective jobs. But after all so was Master Wayne.

-Sorry to interrupt Sir, I see you’re working on a case. A nut case I must say.  
The look on Nygma’s face was pure hatred. The two of them were going at it constently. Bickering and insulting each other in a way that bruce found quite creative. But mostly annoying and puerile.

-Very Clever old maid, why don’t you take that broom of yours and sweep away to the door ?

-I haven’t seen my broom since you decided to take it for a ride.

-Well that’s enough. Interrupted Bruce. What is it Alfred ?

-There is a new nanny waiting to be interviewed.

-What happened to the old one ? inquired Eddie

-Damian told her how he learned to eviscerate bodies from his mother. Grunted Bruce.

-Well I’d rather not have children frolicking around while we’re working. Complained Eddie. Please choose anyone. You don’t have to be the brightest bulb on the porch to handle some average, not fully formed person with half of a brain. Well sorry Bruce but except from the one with a herb name there are milstones around our neck.

-I believe you’re refering to master Tim, it is pronounced like an e ! So far for a fully brained man … Alfred muttered.

\------------------------------------------------------

AAAAAARRRG UUUUUHHH !  
A bloodied mess of a boy stormed through the reception room, grabbing his neck to stop the bleeding already leacking between his fingers.

-Hello, hey try not to bleed on me. That’s the only dark skirt I found. I want to look nice for your father.

-Damian you’re losing your touch. You find me very sorry for my son’s gruesome sense of humor, miss ?

-Oh don’t worry, I’ve done worst. I’m Miss jane.

-Jane how ? if I may ask.

-It’s fine, I’m Jane Fine. She said holding out her hand to Bruce.

For some painful second myosotis eyes seemed to be looking for something he couldn’t really put his finger on, something wrong with these hazel eyes. And then a flash of recognition, his finger crushing the hand he’s grabbed. His forceful grip not giving any choice for the lady to fall on her knees and laugh, laugh ; unrestrained.

-Bats.

-Oh my is that ? whispered Alfred realising his mistake as he was watching with horror the man laughing on the floor. Nothing could have gave him away.  
His apparence was nothing but feminine and attractive. You have to be a Batman to see through the Joker’s tricks no doubt about that.

-Aaaah Bats please, hahahaha, please unhand me I need this hand when thinking about you !

Still gripping tight Bruce had his jaw clench, his eyes never leaving the Joker’s. In an aggressive gesture he yanked the brown wig out of the Joker’s head revealing a patch of green curly locks.

-Well i’m not kidding bats, I’m here for the job ! I even put my black ensemble for you. I had to stole makeup, I’ve put myself in danger for you ! Hear me out !

-Where were you ? why did you come back ? His voice was nothing like Bruce Wayne’s anymore, old habits die hard, old bats even harder.

-Hey you know, two days at large, three at grannie’s, a month at riddler’s… His smile extended to the point that the joker was showing more and more under the makeup.  
Nygma didn’t bat a eye, nor said anything to disculpt himself. There was always an edge with those former villains, a blury line. Bruce couldn’t ask for more. Not so soon, not since Nygma has been nothing but useful and cautious with his impulses, taking care of himself.  
He couldn’t resort to his old ways, not after all the work they all made, Nygma, Alfred, Jason, Damian… 

-Alright Joker get up, I’m listening. What do you want ? 

\- And little old me thinking bats were deaf, or was it blind ? I can’t remember what’s make you deaf ? Anyhoo as i told you I’m here for the nanny’s job. Hire me you won’t regret I’m good with children. I know how to talk to them, and how to give them a good beating when needed . He smiled. Ok alright just kidding don’t give me the batglare damn !

-Are you here for the rehab programme ? interrupted Bruce whose dismay was palpable. 

-They tried to make me go on rehab I said no no no, I ain’t got the time and if my Brucie thinks i’m fine. Before bruce could protest he added You know it won’t work for me, I just need… I need you.

-You killed a year ago, you stuffed the bodies with resin to expose them in a parade disguised as batman and robins. Am I an utter idiot to you ? 

-Yeah I killed whose fault is that ? you never showed. He paused, looking at Bruce with challenging eyes and a hint of despair. Come on Brucie, I'll go basty if you refuse to take care of me ! look look , I'll give you my resume. He grabbed a lisptick with his sore left hand and started writing on his arm.

-Age, mmmh 29 (alfred scoffed, mphf 29 you wish), heyyy don’t start with me Alfie. He replied. Experience. With. Children. He was saying the words as he wrote them. -Mh experience he wondered poking his head with the back of the lipstick. Does hostage situation count ? No ! Better ! Does Harley count ?

It was all bravado, Bruce could see right through him. He really needed help. And this time he decided to go for the unexpected, the unwise.  
Damn he really had hard time adjusting to this new life. It was a mistake, a mistake with potential consequences. It was worth it. 

-Congratulation Miss Jane, you’re a Nanny, Alfred show her the room.

A mouthgaped crowd welcomed the news. 

-I get you’ll announce your decision to master Jason and Miss Helena yourself Sir.

-I certainly won’t since Damian just left with my phone in his hand. Joker ! He called out. I want you out of these clothes and in my office in 5 minutes, you too Alfred.

-Oh Mr Wayne you naughty boy you ! He replied hiding his face between long manicured fingers.

-This way miss-ter.

-I can’t believe I’ve got to live here ! Is there any priviledge I need to know about ?

-Is it your only belongings Sir ? Alfred inquired refering to a pink case containing the Joker’s makeup.

\- Yes. He flatly answered. All the sheer energy suddently gone, feeling like he’s delt the last card of the deck.  
Let’s draw the curtains, let’s give this joke a punchline.  
That was all folks.

\------------------------------------------------------

-He’s upstair removing his disguise. It’ll take him a while I presume. Mr Nygma went home saying that he « had enough crazy things for today ». Stated Alfred. He’ll come back for tomorrow's reception.  
After a while without any reaction from Bruce he resumed : You know Master Bruce, I supported you for the batman thing, I supported you for the unbatman thing. Am I suppose to do the same for the nanny joker thing ? 

-There’s no way that grinning ghoul babysits my little sister. Damian was sitting on the green sofa, cross-legged and angry. 

-What will you tell to Master Jason and Miss Helena ? This is not what a secured and sane life looks like.

The door suddently opened and delivered an angry red-headed son holding a little girl’s hand, she seems confused but not really wary. Maybe she was too young to understand the situation fully.

-Where is he ? where is this psycho ? You won’t stop me this time I swear to God !  
-If you plan to kill him I’m in-

-No one will kill anyone, you’re scarring Miss Helena. 

-Oh no i’m not scarred Al, death is part of life you know. You must accept it.

-You’re completly out of your mind-as a nanny-complete psycho-thought he was a girl-this house i swear-seriously-no fucking way-better be dead-last of him-obsess with each other-sicko

-THAT’S ENOUGH ! Bruce stopped the incoherent babbling he was steady on his feet behind the mahogany desk. Looking at his childen with an intense stare, looking serious, well even more serious than ever. 

-We’ve been looking for the Joker for a whole year after the parade. Now that we have him i am not letting him loose.

-I see your point Sir but he’s a madman. He is a threat…

-He came asking-no-begging for my help Al. Interrupted Bruce, His usualy husky voice has lost its confidence, he was looking right at alfred, waiting for his approval. I can’t deny him, not when he is the last thing holding me from peace. I’m responsible for him. He finished quietly.

\- I hope it’s moi you’re talking about. The Joker shuffled his way across the room to stand next to Bruce. Eyes followed him, wary, cautious and alert. His apparence was striking by its lack of colors, he wore oversized dark grey pants and t-shirt, his lips missing their signature rouge. The skin wasn’t stark white but fair and pale, like it belonged to a real human being. Only around the eye area a glimpse of his real skin was showing. And of course the green, intense and acidic stare. It may be a faded out Joker yet it was still THE Joker.

-If you excuse me Sir, I’ll clean the pig’s blood Master Damian left in the reception room, I was planning to make black pudding for tomorrow's reception with that, I guess I need to revise my plan.

-Well we could have clown’s blood if father let us. Damian frowned even more.

The Joker smiled at that -my kind of humor.

Alfred quickly inclined his head and exited the room.

-What wonderful children you have Brucie, we’ll get along just fine. And I already know some of them. Except for the little chicken here ?

-I’m Helena wayne.

-Wayne ? You had another you didn’t tell me about ?

-Oh don’t think too much into it, father has a patological fear of opening himself due to numerous loss. He had hard time accepting me as his daughter.

-Wait aren’t you the rugrat of the cat ? You look just like her. Exclaimed the joker 

-I had her with Selina yes, and I don’t share that kind of details with homicidal maniac.

-But you didn’t mind throwing your offspring at me. He replied putting his hands on his hips.

-Apparently our well-being isn’t really a matter of importance to our father. First the riddler, now him. Jason appeared bitter, fists tigh and knuckles white, glaring at the Joker with disgust.

-You shall adress him as Miss Jane from now on, he will assist you in your every day life as your nanny. He’ll be paid 6$ an hour, one day off a week. During that time he’ll be able to stay inside the house as the Joker or go out as Miss Jane. He’ll behave. If he knows what’s good for him. Bruce's tone was firm.

-Oh kids what a blast !

\------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the evening went well, Bruce gave more instruction to the joker and some pills to help him sleep. He refused to eat a whole meal but went for a piece of chocolate cake with wipped cream and vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate sirrup. Of course Helena made a point on eating the same, babbling about not having the same meal could be an act of rejection against their new guest. Arguing it wasn't because of the brussel sprouts they were supposed to be served tonight. Everyone ended up eating the cake.

After « dinner » Alfred was nowere to be found and everyone tucked in at 8PM. Unable to sleep Bruce took some work in bed and got up every couple of hours to check on the joker.

Everything was well and swell really. Jason still dwelt on the Joker matter. He wondered how many time he'll have to deal with bruce's whims. When Selina died and Bruce decided to call everything off he's gone with it. He was getting tired anyway, all the robins were. Bruce went through a phase where he needed to repair, to restore, to fix up. Throwing a lot of money in the rehab programme. A lot of energy in convincing villains to cooperate. Most of them answered the call. And then the press, night and day stuck at the Wayne Manor's door. « Is the batman dead ? Were you the Batman ?  » « Where will end up the freaks ? » Or was it he who said that … Well the fact is that the freaks ended in New York city, in a mansion, with a new job and new schools where they were treated like freaks, going home only to see their father in an even deeper depression working with some overconfident-ego freak. And how could he forget his little sister whose he escorted in therapy 4 times a week. Really well and swell ;so another sicko in the belfry wasn't a big deal at all !

At morning they usually all sat at the table in the dining room, Bruce having his morning two eggs with buttered bread and jam, Alfred serving scrambled eggs, pancackes, waffles, french toast, peanuts butter, honey, tea and coffee, fleshly made orange juice and when he felt like it the full english breakfast with sausage and beans, soy sausage for Damian, no beans for Helena.  
This morning wasn't different from the other, except that...

-GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, oh Bruce this jacuzzi really knows how to perk a girl up in the morning.  
The joker has tuck himself in a silly sponge robe and a pair of large slippers. His hair still wet dripped on the robe. He was already wearing a full face of makeup and his hazel contact lenses. Even incomplete the transformation was stricking. He really could fool anyone into thinking he was a girl. Except maybe Bruce.

-Do you people sleep like that ? He asked noticing everyone was already dressed.

-No, in fact father happened to sleep in pink little robe just like yours. Mocked Damian.

-A simple we dress for breakfast would've suffice. The joker left his hand to hit bruce's shoulder. You need to tell me that kind of thing ! He headed to the dishes still babbling. I've been in an asylum my whole life, you can't assume anything with me. I need to learn manners, how to eat at regular hours, how to adress people and hold what I'm really thinking behind my teeth like normal people do, not to get angry if they don't laugh at my jokes...

-Please go on it's free intervened Alfred as he was stuffing his plate with so much scrambled eggs it nearly fell.

-And since it's my first day at work ever. He resumed. I need to schedule the day.

Whatcha wanna do kids ? He took a chair and sat next to Bruce. We could walk in the park, watch TV aaaaaaaall day, I saw they rebroadcast some classic looney tunes ! 

-We can't stay at home, father needs to organize tonight's soirée. Informed Damian in a hardly polite way.

-Oooooh a soirée ! Really ? I've got nothing to wear. Neither are you I suppose judging by your sense of fashion. Well that's settled, to the mallmobile !

-The children aren't invited to the soirée. And neither are you. Stated Bruce.

-Tss nonsense. Mumbled the joker.

Alfred approached and handed the phone he was holding to Bruce.-Nygma calling Sir.

-Right ! Thank you Alfred, i'll take him in the library.

-Yeah i'm sure he loves to be taken in the library. 

At that the joker did is best to muffle a laugh.-Oh Alfred I'm not that sure !

A spark of interest lit the butler's eyes but he refrained from asking anything.

-We'll go shopping kids. Get ready at the door within an hour !  
He kept on eating as the table emptied.

\------------------------------------------------------

-You, breathed Jason -you were supposed to PAY the taxi ! Not run before he ended its course goddamnit ! How can you run in heels anyway ?  
Panting, trying to catch their breath and calming the rush of adrenaline. Jason and Damian looked at each other. They weren't going to admit it, not in a million years but this little misdeed felt good. So long, it's been so long. They behaved like good sons, regular kids, teaching their little sister how to grow up. Keeping her from any harm, from any batbullshit they've been through. Ah so long !

-Kid I've been running in heels you weren't even born. Stated the Joker putting his hands on his hips in a sassy way that made Jason rolls his eyes in frustration. Now where are we ?

-How could we know, only time we venture outdoor is to go at school. Replied Damian.

-Well look at that quaint little shop there. I'm sure we'll find what we're looking for. 

They entered what could be described as the cheapest, chintzy-est retail store in New York. It's smelt like mothball and tobacco. The window display filtered the sun light through a layer of dirt and if you looked carefully some dead insects (or in the process to), laid on the brown (or was it) linoleum.

Though the most outstanding element was yet to be seen for at the checkout, head resting on a hand, muching gum with obnoxious mouth noise, a bored out of her mind Harley Quinn was standing. Her eyes opened wide when she recognized the -boyz blunder and -how are they doing?-did they came to check on her, was the big dad too busy ? And who was the pretty girl escorting them ?

The Joker seemed to couldn't care less as he already choosed some dresses. After a minute or so he spoke in his regular masculine voice. 

-Harl, would you be a dear and fetch me those in size 6. He ordered rather than asked.

-Pudd- Joker, I... She looked distressed. Jason nearly interved when she busted out -THE FUCK IMMA GOIN FECTH NOTHIN ! Look at me you drag bastard !

Still handing the pile of clothing he simply stated -I'm The nanny, i need a dress so if you please. He waved the dresses and brushed her nose in the process. Harley grabbed them furiously and hasted in the back shop.

-I can't believe it ! Damian sat next to a dummy and crossed his legs.

-If you live long enough you see everything. Added Helena.

-Jason ! He turned his head to the joker who waved at him. -Come here my boy let me look at you, my you're still so young, you haven't changed the slightest since I've killed you.

-Well I died as a teen so i ressucitate the same. Maybe even younger, you didn't noticed when I beat you up I presume. 

-You've been quite entertaining that night but no I was too focused on your father. He almost appeared to regret the loss of memory. -Speaking of the devil, did you notice his little whitening lock ; just like yours ; damn sexy ! 

-Ha yeah he seems to go gray since the whole thing. I bet it's no coincidence.

It was so easy to speak to him, so easy like nothing really mattered, like his death wasn't a big deal, something they shouldn't be sadden by. It has haunted him for so long but he felt free to speak, he didn't have to walk on eggshells with him. No matter the subject. It trully felt invigorating. That was not something he expected from the Joker.

-Well, you're a fierce redhead just like our Ô so loved Eddie. Now something I must admit is that the riddler knew a thing or two about fashion, except maybe the whole green with question marks lycra he whore for a while. Green suits best to you gingers, we can go with purple, red,brown, blue and of course black. Oh I know you batfreaks tend to go black and never go back yet I'm responsible for you and I refuse to see you in black or in anything that's remind me this garish robin costume. Not on my watch. So how about this gorgeous olive blazer and white chinos. This shirt will do the trick too. Now dai dai ! Go try those.

He dragged Jason to the dressing rooms leaving him no choice but to follow suit.  
By the time Harley returned from the back store.

-Here you are nanny Jay. She paused, eyes going up and down as if trying to find something that makes sense. -How come I want to fall for you even as a girl ? 

-Well I'm flattered but you see I don't swing that way. He blinked several time,doing his best performance as a girl, voice going up. 

She sighed – I know. I rekon you ended up begging for Wayne's happy-go-unlucky and poor and miserable, pills-chewing program too ? Good for me ! Ivy left me to bury herself in the Amazonian forest and I'm sharing my appartment with an ex-drug addict plus some cockroaches that never pay the bill and eat my food. I'm Valerie Toriello now by the way. You may call me Val.

-Val ! He winced at the name. - That goes with the surrounding at least.

She ignored the obvious taunting – how long have you been babysitting the rug bats ? 

-It's my first day at work, I must say i'm doing wonders ! The kids love me and I'm positive I saw the butler having a peep at my derriere a couple of times and with the whole constant insanity I feel just at home. I mean the little cabagge there, she's a borderling two face, the both of them sons want to kill me and feast on my bone, True story love, I'm not fooling ya...  
His whole body turned around when he saw Jason going out of the dressing room -Ô sweet bats ! You looks almost sexier than your old man !

He walked to him, heels slamming on the floor. He left his arms to reach Jason's shoulders who backed away from his touch. The Joker resigned himself to a simple tap on the arm.

The others two have been exploring the shop, Damian going under the dummies to hide himself and prank his sister who laughed and teared on the floor. Her clothes turning white from the dust. Damian lurked the joker at every time, his game a pretext to surveil whitout being too obvious. They stopped when they saw Jason in his formal wear.  
The joker proud smile spoke volume, he nailed it ! The whole personnality : dashing, nonchalant young man who would have been too awkward in a suit. A single spark of color to bring out the features and confidence the rest pure white. 

They spent two more hours at the shop, Damian and Jason showing clear signs of irritation as helena and « nanny Jane » argued over the little black dress the youngest wanted to wear and  
-only boring people wore black.

-but you did wear black once harley reminded.

-I slayed the black look. 

They settled the argument over a navy blue dress that satisfied them both.

When they finally (finally) exited the shop they were exhausted. The neighborhood was Flushing in the Queens Harley kindly indicated. (Helena and the joker laughed at the name for a whole minute). The Joker was quite fond of the name as it brought to his mind a whole universe of quinte flush and bright faces, so reds and toilets, flush, Flushing how strange !

\------------------------------------------------------

-Everything is going perfectly ! The guests are insanely wealthy, the food is succulent and don't get me started on the wine. Nygma was in a cheerful mood, he was literally glowing in the green suit he wore in a ostentatious manner. Making sure everyone in the room knew he was the Riddler.

-Their missplaced curiosity sure is a boon for the rehab programme. Some even came all the way from Gotham to see us. At this rate we'll have enough funds for a year. Stated bruce.He took a sip of his champagne. Seeing him so content with himself all suited up in green leaved him with an oppressive feeling. Like a bad aftertaste. 

He scanned the surroundling with a not really focused look. Searching for something to do instead of drinking. He mechanically grabbed a schrimp and dip it in some hot sauce.

-Master Bruce, the nanny wants to see you. Informed Alfred -You'd better take this matter at hand as quickly as you can master Bruce or I'm afraid it'll end in red.

-What do you mean Al. Bruce leaned toward the dressed to the nines butler.

-What i mean is that I just caught Miss Jane red-handed with your children in evening clothes and they're coming downstairs at any moment. Alfred reported. – It's a code red. He added in a mischievous tone.

Bruce was slightly concerned with the « red » word his butled kept on repeating. He hurried to the stairs knowing he would be too late. And too late he was indeed as he caught a glimpse of sparkling bright red.

The joker revealed himself in the most oustanding dress Bruce ever saw. The outfit displayed a slender leg through a slit and rested flawlessly on wide, feminine hips highlighting his waist. The hair of his wig rested on his shoulder, wavy and wild.  
Bruce could feel the people next to him starring at the breathtaking brunette as she walked down the stairs obviously enthralled by the attention.

-I'm part of your life now Brucie, you can't expect me to sit pretty in my room while they're serving caviar and champage in here. He muttered once close to Bruce's side, it almost sounded like a threat. -The children are ready he resumed with delight.

-Miss Jane please, nor you or the children are invited. Bruce simply stated not showing his aggravation.

-Did I blunder ? He touched his cheek to mimic embarrassment My, my cheeks are burning red with shame.

-I know a way or two to make you blue and cold if it's more convenient. Replied Eddie who just joined.

-Well it's so nice of you to share how you mostly feel Nygma ! Taunted Alfred holding some hors d’œuvres that the joker grabbed and stuffed in his mouth.

-Miss Jane, please go upstairs and tell...-Hello father interupted Helena. Bruce's blamefull eyes darted the Joker who smiled in return.

-Do you like my dress ? She asked while turning round. She was adorable in the navy babydoll dress that fitted her perfectly and brought out the blue of her eyes.

-Oh master Bruce, she inherited her mother's grace. Complimented Alfred with a feeble trembling in his voice.

-She did Al. Confirmed Bruce briefly.

Damian showed quickly after, wearing an all white formal suit with electric blue bow tie and suspenders. Bruce complimented him and proceeded to frisk him quickly in case he planned another theatrical suicide.

-Where is Jason Miss Jane ? Asked Alfred, adressing directly to the Joker for the first time today.

-I'm here Alfred. They heard him replied from upstairs. 

-What a dashing young man you are Master Jason, i forgot how handsome you are behind all those hoodies. Alfred wore a genuine smile, a fatherly smile. Once downstairs he took Jason's hand in both hands in a benevolent manner.

Jason wasn't feeling at ease yet he didn't mind, he wanted to disappear as well as to stay here. All those charity stuff, ball, society events... It was Bruce Wayne's world not his. Yet he wasn't too sure about his world nowadays.

-If it's too much for you father we'll go back in our room Damian and I but please let Helena stay. She's really eager to dance with you.

-No it's not too much for me.He finally conceded.-Come with me you all, i'll show you around. Bruce brought the three of them at the center of the room and introduced them to the guests all gathered around. Some awed comments could be heard from the crowd. Photos were taken and it seemed that the donations increased exponentially.  
They danced and ate. Miss Jane caused a sensation, frolicking between guests. At some point he danced with a venerable billionaire who laughed a little too loud and stumbled from time to time. Bruce felt dumbstruck by all the jealous glances the Joker was receiving from some women. The whole situation offered an uncanny picture, from Jason smiling to Damian making his little sister dance on his feets.  
The room emptied by 4 in the morning, Jason and the Joker were nowhere to be seen.

-Eddie did you see the joker leaving ? Asked Bruce, all the Riddler could hear was « where is he ? » in a deep guttural voice, a furious black mass above him pounding his fists into his face and belly over and over again.

-Last time I saw him he was going to the loo 20 minutes ago . He responded hastily looking at his now empty glass of wiskey. Alfred pourred some more. It wasn't necessary given the state he was in.

Damian hurried upstairs, Alfred took Helena and had her sit on the couch where Nygma was gluping his alcohol like a hungry baby on a breast.  
Bruce rushed to his home office.

-JASON !  
Everyone froze, dreading the outcome. Alfred thought it was best to stay beside Helena and stroke her hair carefully while Damian hurtled down the stairs toward Bruce.

When he reached the door he could see patches of blood and joker's nose swell and bloodied, his dress messy and creased. His wig was carrefully resting on the desk. Jason's rolled up his sleeves and he didn't seem harmed.

-It's none of your concern Batsy. Joker simply stated, arms crossed, he couldn't care less of the blood dripping from his nose as he wasn't even trying to stop the hemorrhage.  
Jason remained motionless and silent. Fists thigh and jaw clenched.

-You can't allow my kids to beat you up Joker. Bruce spoke in a cold, harsh voice. His posture frightening and steady.-YOU ARE not allowed to let yourself be treated this way, you are not allowed to manipulate my kids in your sick games.

-You told me to be their nanny, the kid needed it. It's what's best for him, to let it out ! You can't lock us in cages and impose your will, not since you decided otherwise. Let us cope as we please ! The Joker stepped toward Bruce as he was talking. Calm and composed.

-You'll obey Joker, you'll be good...-Otherwise what ? He interrupted now livid and hurt -You'll watch my every steps ? You'll feed me some pills to make me malleable ? Fool me into thinking i'm some use to you like you did with Eddie ?  
Tell me Bats, he resumed, impertinent.-Do you give yourself the wisp when you're thinking about punching his face ? When you miss the old time, the control. Roaming the city like a shadow. Instilling fear, giving the criminals what they deserve, craving justice and power. It's okay Bruce, it's part of you. Like violence is part of this kid, it's freeing him.

They looked at each other for a whole minute. An act of dominance before Joker finally breathed -I'm going to Cobblepot's. I'll be there tomorrow morning for breakfast.  
He walked away and added before exiting -We're funambulists, tighten up the rope, make it sturdy but let us find our balance.

\------------------------------------------------------

Bruce sighed sitting on his leather chair behind his father's mahogany desk. He left no time for Jason to explain himself, he didn't need to for he understood perfectly. He just wished Jason had more self control. Or was he at the end of his tether, had Bruce asked too much from him ? He's promised himself not to be the tyrannic beast he once was but it seemed the Joker was right on one point: what's bred in the bones come out in the flesh. He had to ask more from himself, to succeed in this new life and now the Joker challenged him once again, once last time wrecking everything he spent so much energy to build. His old nemesis needed guidance and repentence he wasn't going to deny him.

-Sir ? He hadn't heard Alfred walk in, too much absorbed in his thoughts. -Since you're not sleeping I supposed a little something to eat would be appreciated.

-Thanks Alfred, you should be sleeping at this time. It's almost breakfast. He noticed looking at his watch, his father's watch. He had it repaired at a local store; it was nothing too fancy, a black leather watch band and swiss mechanism sturdy as rock and delicate as a feather.

-So should you master Bruce. Are you, and I know it's a retorical question, are you still brooding over the Joker matter ? Afred was looking right at him, leaving him no choice but to listen carefully.

-I've been too far with this didn't I ? he asked curious of what his faithful friend has to say.

-You know master Bruce I can't believe I'm about to play the devil's advocate. What he's done with your children, it was a gift for you. He made an attempt to bond with them and had succeded in fact ! Did you see master Damian ? He looked like his age for once, he had fun tonight so had Miss Helena. On the Jason matter maybe it's up to both of them to sort this out, we're talking about two former criminals a broken nose is a lesser evil I must say.  
Alfred breathed, took his time before he resumed -Do you like the brioche master Bruce ?

Bruce was puzzled by the suddent asking – I don't have a sweet tooth usually but...

-It's exactly what you needed. Interrupted Alfred with a penetrative stare.

-You're not talking about the brioche aren't you Al ?

-No, not the brioche master Bruce. He bowed slightly and exited leaving Bruce to his reflections.


	2. A resourceful nanny

 

-Well Alfie I’m quite surprised. Said “Alfie” turned his head to see the Joker sitting at the table eating his 11 AM snack. Alfred remembered Bruce talking about Joker's lack of appetite yet by the look of it and his 6 meals a day he ate his fill and more.

-What is it Mr ? And may I ask you why you keep on calling me Alfie ? He inquired quite annoyed by the Joker's nickname. He has tried the polite way by correcting him at least one hundred times, he couldn't take it anymore.

-I'm surprised Bats didn't hide the cleaning products or lock up the drawers. I'm surprised to roam around so freely! Mh mmmh Mhh. He kept on pealing a banana while humming a catchy tune.

When he was alone Alfred used to turn on the radio and hum some old classics rock songs. The joker spent most of his time watching TV in the living room, so he still was mostly alone and could resume on his little pleasure, the only reason he hadn't was to keep a careful ear in case of something. It's been two weeks and nothing happened so far, To say the truth The Joker hardly talked to Bruce or Nygma. Only when he put on the Miss Jane costume he transformed himself in a chatterbox, greeting everyone and took on his duty as a nanny surprisingly well. He wasn't in charge of most of the education of course, he accompanied Helena and Damian back home from school (not that it was necessary, but Bruce wanted to see how far he could trust him, making Damian responsible for both Helena and Joker), the same way him and Damian escorted Helena to psychotherapy. In case the children needed something for school he could go alone to the local book and stationery shop.

-You didn't answer my second question. Alfred remarked. - Actually, we've talked about removing all the dangerous items, it has quickly proven useless as anything could be hazardous between your hands. So yes, you do have the means to explode the whole house down with us inside.

-And you trust me on this?

-We're taking a chance.

-Huh. The joker's mouth quickly turned down in a sign of approval.

Well, so far so good. And he still hadn’t answered the question... .

-Al ?

-Yes Sir ?

Bruce walked through the kitchen holding a pile of paper, barely looking up.

-I have an appointment after lunch with a mister huh. He flipped through the sheets of paper. Mr Elvis Kazis, he wants privacy. Apparently, he is an actor or something. Well I need coffee ready and maybe some cookies to go with it and of course I let you open the door and lead him to my office.

-Elvis Kazis you said ? The Joker questioned

-Yes, do you know about him ?

-Why yes ! I watch his soap every day !” Love and contingencies”, he plays the Dr Prott . And he'll be here ? His smile widened and Bruce wasn't sure the Joker would really appreciate the following terms.

-About that you'll be upstairs during the meeting. No need for you to come down even as Miss Jane.

-What but !

-No Joker. Bruce abruptly interrupted. I've got enough to worry, and as I said he wants privacy. The less around him the better, especially if you know who he is.

-Well you're the boss, boss. Joker shrugged and exited the kitchen, leaving plates and a banana peel on the table. Alfred sighed loudly and collected the dirty dishes.

Lunch time came and the Joker didn't show up. Bruce asked Jason to fetch him but he refused. They hardly interacted since the soirée. Damian unwillingly moved from the table and headed to Joker's room. He came back quickly after. The Joker wasn't hungry.

After lunch Bruce expected Eddie to come at any moment. His thoughts led him to the Joker. he could see he was bored. He provided him with games, a MP3 player, at least one year worse of makeup, an exercise bike to improve his physical capacities. He could read every book in the mansion, watch every movie, go outside almost at will yet he stayed inside watching TV. They all stayed inside actually, like trapped in this house. If it wasn't for school, he was positive that the children would stay in their bedrooms all day. Hell, if it wasn't to check on Harley and the others and sometimes investigate on a case he wouldn't either. What was this irresistible force that kept them imprisoned ?

A ring at the door snapped him from his thoughts. He heard Alfred open the door.

-Is it Eddie Alfred ?

-No Sir it's the hound of the Baskervilles, smells like it anyways.

He heard Eddie reply but couldn't pinpoint what he said.  
Bruce let Eddie know he was in his office and waited for him to come. When Nygma stood beside his desk he lent him a folder containing all the information he had on the client.

-So you told me he's a TV star of some sort mh ? Eddie quickly browsed the file.-Elvis Kazis, never heard of him. He rose his head to look at Bruce.  
Eddie was wearing a khaki tweed blazer and a plain white shirt. His ginger hair was perfectly groomed. He looked very professional, as usual.

-According to Joker he's the main actor of “Love and contingencies”. Explained Bruce.

-A soap ! Oh God it's TV trash, no wonder the Joker knows about it ! He's always been a tasteless, poor excuse of a man. I have far more sophisticated tastes, I am above all this dump.

-Just like a fly circling feces. Mocked Alfred with panache. -I came to ask if you prefer the coffee to be served at the beginning or later.

-Later Al thank you. Bruce promptly dismissed the butler before him and Eddie strangled each other.

The door rang.

-Right on time. Said Eddie with delight.

-I'll be at the door.

-Why thank you Alfred, we wouldn't want you to go all the trouble. Mocked Eddie.

They stopped talking. Distant voices could be heard coming from the living room, Bruce's heart skipped a beat.

-The Joker ! He's opened the door ! He breathed, a slight feeling of panic begun to rose in his chest.

 -----------------------------------------

-What happened to your nose sweetie ?

-What happens to bad girls, since you're a doctor maybe there's something you can do about it.

The Joker was leaning toward the door in a languid way. The visitor gazed him from the red stilettoes he was wearing to the high waisted skinny jeans and off shoulder top he'd accessorized with a simple gold necklace he'd found while rummaging Bruce's room.

Except from the girly band-aid with teddy bears on his nose (those were for Helena but because it was “cute and perfect for his girly features” the Joker insisted on using them) he wasn't wearing much makeup. Or at least it was discreet and sober. His hair though still dwelt on the puffy side.

-Miss Jane I don't think this is where you should be ! Intervened Bruce followed by Eddie and Alfred. He was feeling a bit better; the Joker was just flirting, and Miss Jane could fool anyone dressed like this. Batman fell into his traps often enough as he was the king of disguise. At some point he even learned some tricks from him, he wouldn't admit it just yet.

-You're actually quite right about that B-boss, I should be in a very chic restaurant with you Mr Kazis, 8pm at this door ? He kept batting his eyes while gently touching Mr Kazis's tie.

-Sure thing love. He glanced at Miss Jane one last time before losing interest and confidently walked toward Bruce. He lifted his right arm and Bruce’s hand met his.

-Mr Wayne I heard you could be of some help.Mr Kazis stated. Alfred removed his leather jacket from his shoulder.

Mr Kazis could easily be described as an handsome man, broad shoulders, square jaw, olive complexion, defined muscles and sweet languish dark eyes. It was candy for the eyes and the Joker was always up to devour some candies. At least this one couldn't cause teeth decay.

Irritated by the nanny's insistent stare Bruce led Mr Kazis to his office followed by Edward Nygma.

Bruce showed Mr Kazis the chair in front of his desk, inviting him to sit down. Eddie stayed on his feets beside him.

-What can I do for you ? Asked Bruce.

-I want to divorce from my wife. Mr Kazis leaned back and crossed his legs. If I do that she'll get away with half of what I own and there's no way that little tramp is getting one cent from me. His fist tightened. Now I want you to prove she's cheating on me. You're free to use whatever methods you see fit, I don't care, I want results. He ended his sentence abruptly.

Nygma looked at Bruce, he could almost touch the anger coming from him.

-Well if a cheater she is we'll prove it. Eddie quickly replied. We'll need all the information we can get: past relationships, friends, favorites places, schedule. I'll need to ask you some questions about your intimate life too. Is she aware of your intention of getting a divorce ?

Nygma spent the next 30 minutes collecting precious information and details only interrupted by Alfred who came with a hot pot of coffee and a plate of freshly baked cookies . Bruce stayed silent, drinking coffee, angry aura spreading from him exponentially after every “tramp”, “dumb broad” or “silly cow”. Eventually the client rose and shook Bruce and Nygma's hands.

-I'll be sure to send you her schedule and everything. By the way Nygma be a dear, book the Régal for me. 8:30 PM for two. Have a nice evening gentlemen.

Eddie escorted Mr Kazis to the exit door and hastened to the office. -Did he just ask me to book a restaurant for him and the damn Joker ? Do I look like the secretary ? Eddie seemed stunned by the client's audacity.

-We're not working with him. Decided Bruce, his voice slightly hoarse from being silent for too long.

-Come on, he's a moron but he's money. I almost collected all I need and by the look of it there's no way his wife isn't cheating. Who wouldn't ? He's an ape.

-What about dignity Eddie ?

-Maybe it's a hobby to you millionaire playboy but I need the money, this is where I put my dignity now. There and at the bottom of a wine bottle.

Bruce sighed and squeezed the top of his nose. If Eddie's dignity has been found in a bottle his was yet to be retrieve. -Alright this affair is yours. I can't suffer working with an insufferable imbecile.

Alfred entered holding a tray. -I believe it's far too late for that Sir.

-Far too late indeed. Eddie groaned with venom in his voice.-Alfred, would you book the Régal for Mr Kazis and the. He scoffed.-The nanny, 8:30 PM. I believe it's one of your competences.

Alfred didn't care to reply. He turned his head to Bruce and asked. -Should I make the reservation master Bruce ?

-Of course not ! He brutally stopped his head massage to look at Alfred and Eddie.-I won't let the Joker frolicking around. He's still a threat I'm not taking any chance.

-The Joker yes but miss Jane, I can't see why you would forbid her to have a date. She would be off duty. Moreover with the husband away from home I could see what's the wife is up to ! It's an opportunity. Eddie was struggling to stay still, it's been a week since the last real case and Nygma couldn't function without work. That how he dealt with life and damn that how Bruce dealt too. Though he was fine with paperwork and analysis.

How could they make it work without compromising their client's security and the Joker's identity ? Following them would be useless, the Joker could always feel him almost miles away. A recorder ? Maybe. A tracking device ? Well that goes without saying. Maybe he could trust him on that ? Maybe he could.

-Make that reservation Al, The joker is having a date tonight.

 -----------------------------------------

-No Wayne Bruce ! I'm really having dinner with the Dr Prott ! What should I wear ?

The joker had removed his makeup and clothes to wear the pink sponge robe he liked so much. On his bed laid hip pads and a stuffed bra, a blue teddy bear, a pair of jeans, two lipsticks and a candy wrapper. His dressing table literally drowned in makeup, brushes, perfume bottles, tissues. Bruce noticed a blunt batarang. It was one of the first model he'd designed, he wasn't the only one to keep souvenirs. Before going deeper in his thoughts, he took a moment to observe the joker. It's been two weeks. For Bruce time fled, he furnished the Joker's room, painted it lilac, brought some clothes, worked on the rehab program. His days were full, the joker's not so much. Yet it wasn't an unusual behavior for him, Batman had been able from time to time to find the Joker, after months of researches, slacking off in one of his “ha-hacienda”, barely dressed. He didn't even put on a fight when the vigilante apprehended him.

Now he was on his knees trying to grab something in the dressing room.

-Why didn't you listen when I told you not to go downstairs Joker ? Bruce's tone was calm, a fight was the last thing on his mind. He wanted the Joker to be able to explain himself.

-I didn't wanted to. He casually answered, getting up on his feets, holding a pair of stilettoes.

-You know there are rules, rules you need to follow as well as the others.

The joker shrugged, he didn't bother to look at him.

-I should wear the magenta one, brings out my eyes.

-Joker look at me. Bruce ordered.

-Maybe the fabric's too cheap for that kind of place.

-JOKER.

-I heard you B. Now he was looking at him, really looking. Bruce in a million years couldn't have prepared himself for the expression of utter disgust in the joker eyes. That was when it hit him, he knew the exact location of every weak points on Joker's body. It could be so satisfying to physically submit him, to make him behave like he used to. The trick with him was to go for the joints, the pain sharp enough for him to fall like a ragged doll. It was never that easy, the Joker knew how to duck and hit, when to run and attack. He was sneaky and fast, flexible.

-Do it B. He removed his sponge robe and let it falls on the floor. He was wearing nothing but his underwear. -You know I'll never behave, so make me. His voice was pure temptation.

Bruce grabbed him by his shoulders and made him sit on the bed.-You're not allowed to be hit remember ?

-Spoilsport. Here he was, back to his cheering self, smiling.

-You should wear the magenta dress, it's pure silk you know. Bruce waited a few second and moved away from the bed.

-Why did you chose to be a private detective ? He looked at Bruce with a childlike expectation.

-Eddie and I teamed up when I decided to stop everything.

-But you don't like it. The Joker stated, crossing his lanky legs on the bed.

-You talked about finding one's balance, it's mine. Took me some times to get it to work. No I can't say I enjoy what I'm doing but. He closed his eyes, he needed to find the way to express the way he felt.

-It's giving you a purpose. The joker completed, thoughtful.

-Yes. Bruce conceded.

-I think you should have choose something more different than the batman job, like mmh. He poked his head with a long nail. -Musical producer !

-Musical producer ? Bruce wondered, amused despite himself.

-With the life you had, you're musical material ! Rest assured. He began to sing holding a phantom micro. -I was a feared bats, now I'm posing as a lowlife working class ! I'm living with my best enemy thankfully he's a gas ! He laughed for a while, holding his face in his hand and grabbing his knee with the other.

When his mirth calmed Bruce informed him: - I let you out tonight, I'll equip you with a recorder and a tracking device. I'll be able to hear what you're saying. As far as trust is concerned I think I'm giving you enough. Don't disappoint me.  
It's been more than one year since the Joker last killed. Trusting him alone far away from the house was a shot in the dark. The Joker disobeyed some minor orders but Bruce knew it was a sort of childish way to regain control over himself. He promised himself and the Joker to give him time to cope.

One last requirement ran through his mind, Bruce felt embarrassment preventing him to speak his mind. He went for it anyway. -One last thing, you're miss Jane for him. If things go too far during that dinner between the both of you, you must prevent it.

-No sex. Bluntly said the Joker unabashed.

-Exactly. He agreed.

-I'm a three dates kind of girl, who do you take me for ? He scoffed.

-Why a woman ? Bruce suddenly asked. It had bothered him since the first day.

-Because of the best nanny one could dream of. He paused for effect. -Mrs. Doubtfire.

  -----------------------------------------

Damian grabbed with the tip of his fingers the VHS he rented at the local video rental shop. He'd rather watch it in his bedroom but the TV was broke. Oh well, everyone was busy so with a bit of luck no one should bother him.

The film was 83 minutes long. He seriously doubted he would succeed watching that for more than one hour. The jacket was mostly blue with two characters on the front and two others on the back between some golden contraption he couldn't identify. The main character was the round eyed redhaired woman with a fish tail and Damian stayed flabbergasted by the sheer inanity of it all. Why did he have to study something so stupid and immature ?

Yet he couldn't pass on that homework, not again, his teacher had been crystal clear about that. The last thing Damian wanted was to waste his father's time at a meeting with the school headteacher. They already convoked him in the past to state on Damian's catastrophic grades. His father spoke up for him and they agreed to put him in the next grade provided he actually worked in class and at home.  
He also needed to work on his social behavior, so they denied him further “promotion” stating he had to “socialize with children of his age”. Well A+ for effort though he still had zero friend and he was still bored to death with classes.

Not too eager, he put the video tape in the recorder. At least he would have it easy with this homework since he could watch the movie instead of reading the book.

Sluggishly nested in the couch he pressed play on the remote and, black. The screen was completely black. He stayed still for a few seconds, nothing seemed to change until he heard the VCR rewind the tape. One minute later he could play the movie anew.

And here it was... Was it part of the movie ? Oh no damn ads ! He grabbed the remote and hit the speed button until the actual beginning.

A song ! So soon ! Damian paused, he was going to need some carbs before going through with it.

He pushed the kitchen's door. No one. Should he call for Alfred or try to do something by himself. He craved popcorn but knowing Alfred he wasn't sure to find any microwave popcorn. He looked in some drawers and gave up, he filled a glass with orange juice anyway and took a deep breath to fill himself up with courage and determination. Slowly walking back to the living room, he noticed a patch of green striking against the white sofa. He felt his whole body liquified.

-I love The Little Mermaid !

He didn't care to reply, instead he sat as far away he could from the clown and resumed his watching.

Two minutes later the Joker got up and took the stairs to his room only to come back with an unopened bucket of salted popcorn. He left it on the coffee table and disappeared once more. He returned with two bowls, opened the bucket and filled them both. He left one on the table and took the other with him to the sofa.

To put his attention to the movie appeared even more insurmountable with the Joker in the same room, not that he was too noisy, rather the opposite. He was completely engrossed in his task and remained almost motionless except when he put a popcorn in his mouth and munched on it. Yet the sole vision of him was too uncanny. Years of training being on guard put his mind on alert.

-We used to watch some Disney movies in Arkham. The Joker confessed. -I loved it. Actually, I postponed some of my escape plans not to miss it. They placed us all in the rec room, we weren't so many: Two face, Poison Ivy, good old Penguin, scarecrow, Riddler, Freeze... You get the picture. If think little Harley never had the chance to have a Disney movie night. Anyhoo, we didn't plan any of it but we began to associate some villains with us, we were teasing each other “oh look at Maleficent isn't she our regular Ivy ? I think she made a dragon shaped plant once or doesn't Jafar remind you of a certain fear enthusiast ?”. He paused, still dwelling on the past. -And I think our little game scarred some of the guards because after we only had movies without villains or dark themes, and then no movie at all.  
To tell the thrust. He resumed.- I don't give a damn about Disney villains, they are some sorry half-assed losers. Sure they give the punch the story needs to climax: A fight, good vs evil, evil is punished, good is rewarded tell me something I know. His mouth frowned, he was sitting legs crossed and facing Damian who despite the feeble voice in his head telling him to shut the clown up was oddly enough listening.  
 -No, what I really liked the most were the comic relief characters ! Have you seen Aladdin kid ? The Genie ! He briefly laughed. -Oh the Genie was the best, how many times I dreamed to have my own little genie of the lamp, the things I would do !

-I don't know about this Aladdin movie but I can assure you, you don't want anything to do with the djinns especially one in a lamp. Those creatures are tricksters at best, some are pure evil. Only a fool could wish to see one let alone make a deal and expect something good from it. Informed Damian who was still to help himself some popcorn. He decided to go for it anyway, they had vials of Joker venom antidote in case things went bad.

-I had my fair share of demons deals, I ended up half dead every time. Wonder why I kept on making them, they have that je-ne-sais-quoi that makes me fall all the time. He smiled when he saw Damian with the bowl. Damian tried not to read too much into that.

-Djinns aren't demons. He informed. They've been created by God from pure fire and are as humans under His law. They have free will; a good djinn has nothing to do with humans so they usual don't appear to one. Only the nefarious would trick or possess us by making false promises. He put a popcorn in his mouth. It didn't taste funny and his lips were still. So far so good.

They both stayed silent for a while the only noises coming from the movie and them crunching on popcorn.

Now the redhead had rescued some human and was singing to him. A cartoon version of Alfred popped from nowhere to interrupt them.

The more he watched the less confident he felt about his homework. Maybe Bruce would be delighted to take a day off or, or ! Desperate thoughts, maybe he would let the nanny to see the headmaster. If things went wrong at least his homework would be the least of their problems. Desperate times comes with desperate measures alright, yet he should give the movie a go.

Damian eyed the Joker yet again. He wanted to test a theory. -Do you know my name Joker ?

He turned his head to look at his direction with a puzzled expression.  
-Damian. He replied

-Do you remember me as a Robin ? He was referring to the time when he kidnapped him. Since he appeared to possess such vivid memories of Jason. Not that he would mind if he didn't. To say the truth, he suspected him not to remember a thing by the way he looked at him like some leaves on the ground.

-Why would I ? Did I killed you too ? Or wait ! He straightened himself up. -Are you the one who killed me, and then Batsy went all “what have you done, now I need to practice mouth to mouth to resurrect him”

-Batman didn't use mouth to mouth to save you and it was Dick who killed you.  
Right he was, the clown couldn't remember a thing about the whole Oberon Sexton. He probably forgot about this identity as well.

-I've been killed by dick ? Sound plausible !

A burst of laughter nearly deafened him, the Joker was in a fetal position, laughing is ass off, completely out of the blue.

-Flash news, dick killed the Joker ! Stay tuned to learn more about this very shocking affair ! The Joker proclaim mimicking a newsreader, wiping tears off his eyes.

Oh, now Damian understood, it was quite pathetic.  
His laughter got on his nerve very fast and he did nothing to hide his aggravation. If only the clown could shut up already, he couldn't suffer to explain why he was watching The little mermaid with the fricking Joker. He tried to capture his attention the best he could with gesture to incite him to stop. -come on, calm down. He almost pleaded.

  
From the TV he could hear a catchy song, Damian wondered what had became his life before going for his last chance.  
\- Under the sea, under the seaaaaa !

-Darling it's better down where it's wetter take it from meeeee ! Of course he would sing along ! What was Damian thinking. At least the laughter stopped.

-Everything is alright master Damian ? Alfred was almost down the stairs. He was holding a plunger in his right hand and breathed hard like he ran all the way to the living room. He expired sharply and put himself together.

-We're good, we're watching The Little mermaid. The Joker informed, he got up to fill his bowl and Damian's with popcorn.

Alfred seemed puzzled for a moment, The Little Mermaid wasn't part of the films collection they possessed at the mansion. He wouldn't bet on it though.

-I loaned it for school, it a compulsory homework. Damian confessed.

-In that case we do have the true story by Andersen in the library. You should have a look. I'm staying alert shall you need me master Damian. He bowed slightly and went back upstairs.

So the movie was different from the book. Damian liquefied anew, it was a running theme today, like a stream. With all that water he felt like drowning thinking about the essay he had to write for tomorrow.

-Seems like someone thought he could have it easy watching the movie instead of reading, naughty boy ! Taunted the Joker. Do you know it's a very short story ? You could have called it a day by now if you asked nanny Jane first.

He was right, the Joker was right. He worked for them now, he could ask anything from the pale freak and get it. -Alright then, let's get my essay done !

-Hold it sunny boy ! It's my day off and I'm going on a date tonight, those nails won't paint themselves. He waived his hands at him.

Damian knew where it was going. Alright he'll have the clown get his victory. Desperate times. - I'll paint them, you tell me all I need to know about this stupid fairytale deal ?

-All ten ? The Joker's smile widened unnaturally.

Oh my ! He hadn't thought it all had he ?

-All ten. He surrendered.

-Deal !

  -----------------------------------------

-You missed a spot over there. Pointed out the Joker. - Aaaaand then she joined the daughters of the air thanks to her good deeds. Voilà !

-So, it's an initiation story. She got more than she was looking for. The pursuit of life can't be driven by pleasure only but reality and failures can raise you to wisdom. Concluded Damian

-Yep. The Joker agreed.

-That's bullshit.

-Yep.

-I'd have killed the prince.

-NO !

The joker's reaction startled him and the nail paint thing leaked over the Joker's finger. -Shit.  
He handed him a tissue. -Why not ? She was gonna die anyway ?

-Because they were meant for each other, the prince was looking for the girl with the enchanting voice. It was a mistake from his part, nothing to kill yourself over. Don't you see any other options ?

\- Ask the witch a dagger to kill the wife ?

-That's more like it. The Joker exclaimed, he was carefully not to move anymore.

-But then the prince would've been horrified by what she's done and she would still be a mermaid after all.

-Well, better being the monster you once were than dead no? Now she can figure things out to get her prince's heart.

Damian was done. He closed the nail product and replied: -I'm not sure about that.

-To be honest I wasn't sure either. When in doubt, don't.

Damian managed to write out a plan and an introduction. There was more to say than he thought at first. It crushed him but he owed the Joker big time, though he already paid him. Painting his toes nails had been the worst experience of his whole life.

The Joker was all mischief and death, cruelty, madness. Damian couldn't even grasp at the Joker's psyche. Not totally. They usually; by they he meant the Robins, they avoided the Joker matter when speaking with Batman. “I take care of him”, “I know what he's up to”, “he's too dangerous”. They learnt not to argue, not to question Batman's fascination with him. A fascination that the clown prince of crime shared. He caused so much pain, so much grief over the years. Batman often referred to the joker's “moment” he could one day act like a child, harmless and playful and the other cause a hecatomb. It was during these episodes that Batman usually withdrawn into himself, not letting anyone approach him or the Joker. He handed it with care and intelligence, focused on the Joker only, day and night thinking how to stop him, fearing for the clown's life. Always fearing for that damned son of a bitch ! And what was the point now ? What was the Joker's intention ? Forgiveness, salvation, repentance ? Damian doubted it. Nygma actually showed regrets, accepted all Bruce's conditions. The Joker, no, the Joker would never submit. Damian looked at the manicured fool next to him, blowing on his fingernails. No, he was up to something. Now Bruce protected him but if life gave him a chance Damian would squeeze the life out of this pale neck with delight.

The evening came quickly, the Joker spent the rest of the day putting on his disguise, fixing his makeup and curling his wig. Bruce equipped him with a tracker and a micro connected to a recorder. He let Bruce hide it in his bra, smirking through the process. He tried to get a compliment out of him, he only got a “real breasts aren't so stiff”. He decided to be content with that.

The door rang and Alfred hurried to open the door, welcoming a very smartly dressed actor.

Miss Jane appeared up the stairs 5 minutes later in the magenta slip dress holding a heart shaped purse in one hand.

-My, my you're quite a babe aren't you ?

-I've never dreamt to become a shepherd, even less a piglet. She joked.

Joker's face went down when he noticed Elvis Kazis's lack of reaction, he probably didn't get the reference.  
Alfred insisted that miss Jane should take a jacket with her. She refused politely and grabbed Kazis's arm while they exited the mansion.  
And off they went. Alfred hoped for some foolish second that everything would run smoothly.

  -----------------------------------------

Everyone gathered for dinner. They were silent, listening to the Joker and Elvis Kazis conversation through the radio. They ordered lobster Thermidor. It was Bruce's favorite meal, he couldn't prove it was a deliberate choice from the Joker but it did make him slightly envious. The Régal was a very chic and expensive restaurant and it's been so long since the last time he took everyone out for a meal.

Miss Jane laughed occasionally at Mr Kazis remarks, he complimented her on the dress she was wearing and her appearance.

Bruce was now in the living room, alone. Everyone got bored after one hour listening the Joker seduce a B-grade actor. If he was to be honest he also grew quite tired, yet he had to make sure the Joker would behave. His anxiety had lessened a bit nonetheless although he still wondered why the Joker wanted so eagerly a date with a man as plain and nondescript as Kazis.

 

-But it seems your glass is empty Mr Kazis. Those long glasses barely contain anything do they ? Garcon ! Bourbon on the rocks, leave the bottle. Bruce heard the Joker order.

-I like your style, champagne is getting quite dull at this hour. Mr Kazis replied

-Hahaha, anything you want Elvis, Should I call you Elvis ? We're better acquainted now.

-You can call me as you please with such delicious lips.

Bruce heard glasses clinking against each other. He regained some attention, the conversation seemed to get heated.

-I like you Elvis ! In fact, I like you so much that the little trace on your ring finger sadden me quite so. Bruce could almost see the Joker pout.

-I'm in the middle of a divorce dear, nothing to be sad about.

-Oh you see me very relieved Elvis, very relieved. Was Mrs Kazis too invasive ? Was she a frigid woman ?

-Miss Jane. Whispered Mr Kazis so Bruce had to increase volume.- As much as I like what you're doing to me we're in a restaurant.

Bruce's eyes widened.

-You didn't answer my question Elvis. Through the radio faint moans and erratic breath could be heard. -Has she became a burden, not “TV-genic” enough to adapt your new way of life ? I'd like to know Elvis, because you see I'm an honest lady and I wouldn't suffer getting caught having an inappropriate relationship with an engaged man. He punctuated his last word as he somewhat did an effort.

-Aah Jane.

-Mmh Elvis ? You see I need reassurance to fully, mh, commit in pleasing you.

What was he doing, what was he thinking ? Bruce was furious, he couldn't trust the Joker on anything. He would always turn his words to fit his agenda. Worst of all Bruce was unable to intervene as none of them were in danger. And what the point with Mrs. Kazis ?

-In a few days she'll be out of my life for good doll don't you worry. Confessed Mr Kazis in hushed tone.

Miss Jane gasped. - Are you planning to get rid of her in a definitive manner Mr Kazis ?

Elvis laughed quietly. Bruce was all ears, he could get something out of this whole disaster after all.

-Nothing so drastic love. Kazis huffed while speaking. -I hooked her with a gigolo. All I need is proof and oh my. He stopped talking.

-You're quite the man Elvis.

And silence, just noise background from the restaurant. Now Bruce felt very tired, turning off the radio tempted him. He grabbed his mobile phone instead and sent a message to Eddie. He wanted to call off the whole thing. This gigolo thing really irritated him, that's not how he worked.

One hour later and Eddie had yet to reply, as for the Joker Bruce heard him put Mr Kazis in a taxi as he couldn't even stand straight anymore. He tried to touch miss Jane a few times during the ride but was quickly dissuaded. He was so drunk he wouldn't remember much the next morning. The Joker was now heading home and would arrive in a few minutes.

  -----------------------------------------

-Honey I'm hoooome !  
No one ? The Joker shrugged and pulled of his shoes as well as his wig. He was sweating under it. He passed a hand through his hair to ventilate and reorganize it. So where was Batsy ? He wouldn't be asleep, he knew he listened to the whole dinner and he hoped to kiss him good night before going to bed, maybe even get a little spanking. One could dream.

-Come on Batsy don't disappoint me. He whispered to himself.  
That was when he saw a slightly darker shade from across the room. He decided to play dumb and started to sing, keeping his voice low. His back, facing Batman who still hadn't moved.  
He wanted to laugh as he grew excited, the mere thought of Bruce hiding from him; probably angry at his behavior, had set his imagination free. Would he grab him from behind, prevent him to talk with a forceful hand against his mouth ? Maybe he would threaten him “we're done Joker, I'm giving up on you”, the Joker would have to remind him of who he was, the lying force behind the man. Batman's eyes would dart him with fury and anger, his fists force him into submission. And the Joker, ah ! He would twist his words, his life, his heart and soul so he would see him, like he used to.

But he was still, and slowly the shadow revealed itself to him. -Come in my office Joker.

He flinched for the sake of it, to put on an act. He heard himself saying: - You startled me B.  
He followed the footsteps noise to the office, he looked around when he entered. This room, where Bruce spent most of his time he only saw it a couple of time. It was soberly furnished. On the wall a medium sized painting of, Joker supposed, his parents, was surrounded by few photos of the kids and others people he was yet to know. Not one picture of him. He would make sure to fix this as soon as possible.

-Joker, pay attention please.  
He turned around to face Bruce who leaned against the desk.

-Give me the recorder back. He ordered.

The Joker obliged, the loosened up the bra and took it off so he could retrieve the device. Now his dress rested on flat chest, it was still nice, who needed tits with an ass like his.

-Explain yourself.

-Please Bats, don't speak that much ! You could have a tongue cramp. He joked. - I don't know what you want me to say, I had great time ! Now I need to remove my makeup and go to sleep. I'm working tomorrow.

-Why were you so interested by his wife ? Bruce asked.

-Oh come on Batsy, an actor who just begin to be recognized come to a private detective. Of course he wanted a divorce ! I just needed to know more out of curiosity. I thought it could be some help for you too. Did I work well B-Boss ? Are you satisfied ?

\- And the mean to obtain his confession ?

\- I think you're getting quite inappropriately curious Brucie.

\- You don't have the luxury of privacy as long as you live under my house. Bruce stated, inflexible.

-You said no sex for me, miss Jane on the other hand, well she did take the matter at hand. He grinned, it was getting too much. Bruce's face was priceless, calm before storm.

-Joker, my work is none of your concern. You need to understand and respect your place as a member of this household. You placed yourself under my protection, you sought my guidance. I provided those now it's your turn to prove yourself. I'm trusting you Joker, I want to help you.

-Enough ! The Joker was trembling. - I'm beyond help, there's no fixing me. The sooner you accept this the better. Now I'll go back in my room.

Bruce let him walk away, he'd deeply hurt the Joker's ego. He needed help but it would take time for him to admit. Bruce had discreetly put an anxiolytic in his bottle next to his bed. He hoped to appease him, he knew he couldn't sleep much and had recurring thoughts.  
Bruce did the right thing, the Joker had to be shown how to restrain himself, he lacked control and it was Bruce's duty to pave the way. He hoped to make a citizen out of him, even if it meant to spend the rest of his day with the Joker by his side, an Ariadne thread to his path. A light to guide him through his madness.

  -----------------------------------------

-Eddie ! Care to join us for breakfast ?  
Everyone except the Joker was sitting at the table, Bruce showed the vacant chair beside him. He politely accepted and sat.

-What will it be for you ? Asked Alfred

-Bread, two slices. He replied. Alfred gave him a plate with the food he asked. - Could you toast them ?

-I could. Orange juice ?

-No thanks. Eddie waited for Alfred to toast his bread but he regained his place near the buffet. He grabbed a pot of strawberry jam instead and proceeded to spread it on the slices.

-How the investigation went ? Inquired Bruce in a neutral voice.

-Nada ! I hit a brick wall, the woman is a saint. I followed her all night, I hacked her phone. Nothing ! As boring as they come. And as far as the gigolo is concerned, saw none but let me tell you Bruce I'm not giving up on this case. The mean may not be honest though if she's frolicking with a man, gigolo or not no one is forcing her. He served himself some coffee. -To think I spent the whole night on her and nothing happened !

-Happens to the best of us. Retorted Alfred. Jason sneered quietly and gave a discreet smile to Alfred.

-You know, you're lucky I'm allowing you to speak to me, maid !

-You're lucky someone is speaking to you.

-Do you have the morning paper Alfred ? Hurriedly required Bruce.

-Here you are master Bruce. He handed him the newspaper, he flipped through it for a while. He stopped suddenly when he saw a red circle and the letter J with a little heart next to it . - Ugh Kazis, he is in the newspaper. He skimmed through the article. -I'm sorry Eddie, I think you've lost your case. He stated. He read out loud. - The Dr Prott caught red handed with a woman: Last night at the Régal the actor Elvis kazis had been seen with a tall brunette by his side. Mrs Kazis asked for a divorce, she declared to the press she had him followed by the famous lady detective agency Wollstonecraft and she now have enough proof. If the divorce is pronounced she could become one of the richest single lady in New York.

-I'm starting to like the tall brunette. Don't you Nygma ? Taunted Alfred

Eddie bit into a napkin, he was all rage and fury. Bruce sympathized with him, it wasn't the first time the Wollstonecraft pipped them to the post, add the Joker and Nygma had every right to be furious. Him on the other hand, he felt a burden leaving his chest, this affair conflicted with his values and ethic, he wouldn’t let it deter him, and apparently the Joker would make sure of that. Had he orchestrated this ? For Bruce one thing was sure; he wouldn't hear the end of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished at last ! I'm quite slow, but it's my rhythm and I make a point of writing medium chapters.  
> I'm beginning to see where I want this story to go, there will be some more serious plot later, for now everyone needs to find their place and some characters need to be introduced.  
> I'm really eager to see your opinion on it since I'm having such a good time writing it, I'm struggling with the language and BRUCE goddamn him, he is hard to write ! What does he want, how will he react ? He is not quite Mr. Sheffield nor Batman but he'll find his balance soon (I hope).  
> As for Damian, who stand for Brighton I choose to take in consideration the Oberon Sexton (really it's a porn actor name no ?) thing only and not death in the family because this arc may be too dark for a story like this. (the killing joke neither by the way).  
> Jason is Maggie, Helena Grace of course. Maybe Dick will come to say hi one day. The Wollstonecarft agency is for Mr Shefield's rival Andrew lloyd Weber ^^.  
> What more can I say, some slight mature content I didn't planned but the Joker wanted some action sooooo.  
> Have a great day/night. Chapter 3 will be coming soon (but not as soon as Kazis)


End file.
